Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
