John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
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i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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