he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
