She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize