my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
