Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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