Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
