The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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