I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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