Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
