apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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