Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
