at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Randomize
