just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
