I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
