mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
