So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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