Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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