I just saw a hot homeless man
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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