I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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