Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
