You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
