$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize