A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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