Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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