Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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