I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
