i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
