Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
