toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
