i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
