The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
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He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
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I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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