The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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