so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
