Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
