she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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