I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
