just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Randomize
