The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
