He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
