you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
