Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
