is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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