Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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