I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
