Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
