I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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