my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Randomize
