I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
should my penis look like a turkey
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
