LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
