woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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