security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
