I wanna bring you to show and tell
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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