Someone shit on the floor
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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